Aimless Rants

by - 8:26 pm

Mood right now: SO damn pissed + annoyed.


Many of you may or may not know. I don't come from a normal family. I don't HAVE a happy family and may not even know what a happy family is or what family is.

Since everything came crashing down, I was at the age of 16. I was busy trying to be "someone" to the eyes of my parents so I did my best for N'levels and O's. Did enough to get myself to polytechnic but nobody really cared by then. I was struggling to take myself to polytechnic because I was "scared" of the male specimen.

I remember day one of Polytechinic, I was getting ready in the morning and I told my mom,

Me: "Mommy, can you follow me to school for today?"
Mom: "siao ah, your school at woodlands!"
Me: "But got guys in my class, you just follow me take bus and we can have lunch together."
Mom: "Don't be crazy, don't think too much. Just go to school."


And I remember I had lunch takeaway from home alone at the picnic bench for a few weeks because I was scared to go buy my food with "guys around".

Yep, looking back at myself now - I think I had severe issues. Confidence issues, men issues, insecurities... etc. 

I found rugby and it was my biggest escape, I was still lesbian for the longest time of my life since I was in high school and I thought I will marry a girl and have a dog.

Lucky me, I found my husband - Sailorboy. Never thought a guy will ever fall for me cos' I was so tomboy and nothing close to demure or gentle.

Luckier me, he married me this year.

.......

I never knew what a happy family was until I met Wilson's family. Throughout this 7 years staying with him at his family's house, it was an eye-opener. 'This is how a father should be... This is how kids should behave... This is how a husband should be... This is what a family is..."


Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I love them for who they are but we were never perfect. I am sure every family was never perfect. Somedays, like today, I cannot feel shitty about family. I cannot feel more lack-of for my family.

The reasons behind why my parents are like that, I will never understand. (btw, my parents are divorced since all the drama when I was 17 and only got divorced last year). The reason why my dad speaks this way to me or my brother now, I really don't know. My dad has stroke and he isn't fit to move properly at all. Somedays, I feel like shit and wished I could do more. I dig out money from my bank and transfer him some whenever I have extra. However, on some days like today - I question my black heart.

I question my fucking black heart because what did I do to deserve such a rude response from my dad. Which dad can ever call their kids 'braindead individuals' and "go slave" when I said I needed to work and I am busy at work to earn money so I can give him.

WTF.

If there is any chance Wilson and I have kids, I know Wilson will make such a good dad. A dad I never had and I can't wait for my kids to have him as their dad. If there is anything in my life, I wished I will make a good mom and Wilson be a good dad for our kids.


That's the most important for any human. Kids or not.

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